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Smokey Bear, Bambi Urge Congress to Make Hunting a Fair Fight

By Eric Green

By Eric Green


Invoking the memorable words of President John F. Kennedy, Smokey Bear and Bambi the

Deer testified before Congress that the practice of hunting for game would only be a fair fight to all parties involved if bears and deer are also allowed to defend themselves during hunting season.

Bambi, a historian by nature, repeated JFK’s line that “deer hunting will never be a sport until they give the deer a gun.”

Meanwhile, in his prepared statement before a House committee examining gun violence in America, Smokey said that while in theory he’s not against people owning guns, it’s never an equal fight when only the hunters have the firearms and the hunted don’t.

Smokey testified before the committee that powerful firearms such as semiautomatic assault weapons should only be used in warfare against the nation’s enemies, not against innocents like Bambi and himself.

“What did we bears ever do wrong against humans to be treated this way, like we’re animals or something?” questioned Smokey with a tear in his eye. “Maybe it isn’t right that bears instinctively stray into the backyards of homeowners to pick food out of garbage cans. But what do you expect is going to happen when slowly but surely, we’re losing our native habitat to all this commercial development?”

Smokey asked the committee “to bear with me for a minute, no pun intended” in saying that he fully supports the Second Amendment to the Constitution regarding the right to own guns.

“Notice,” said Smokey, “the amendment spells out that the 'right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.’ May I repeat the point: the amendment uses the word ‘bears,’ that’s us, ladies and gentlemen of this esteemed committee. We should have the right to bear arms too, but only to defend ourselves. I’m not into killing anybody, unless my back’s against the tree.”

Reinforcing that testimony, Bambi the Deer inquired of the lawmakers whose fault was it when a deer innocently tries to cross a highway and ends up with the so-called deer caught in the headlights of drivers, that could result in a deer carcass splattered across a car’s hood? During hunting season especially, said Bambi, “it’s not right that a deer like me should be officially designated as a legitimate target to kill when I’m not allowed to shoot back.”

Bambi said she favors, “at the least,” a 60-day “cooling off” period with background checks of known bear and deer haters before they can even try to buy a gun, which Bambi said would ultimately be used to kill innocent deer like her.

“If it’s a traditional American sports pastime to go hunting in the woods for quarry, it’s equally as American as apple pie that we as creatures of God also have a weapon to defend ourselves,” Bambi said.

Bambi said she’s still in recovery “mentally” after being shot during hunting season, but luckily for her, she suffered only a surface wound on her rear end.

“It’s taken a lot of physical and psychiatric therapy for me to get better,” Bambi remarked. “I’m still wrapping my brain around what happened.” Just so the Committee understood what she endured, Bambi turned around so everyone on that legislative body could see the scar the hunter’s bullet left on her behind.

Smokey Bear also recounted his own personal emotional trauma after a hunter stalked him in the woods and it was only “by the grace of God I escaped.”

Historian Bambi said JFK revealed his true negative feelings about guns to the late Florida Senator George Smathers after Kennedy had been invited to go deer hunting at the Texas ranch of Vice President-Elect Lyndon Johnson in 1960. Bambi told the lawmakers that the hunting trip came nine days after Kennedy and Johnson had won the national presidential election.

JFK believed “all killing was senseless,” said Bambi, but “since he was there in the forest, he looked into the dear life he was about to take, fired and quickly turned back in horror to return to his car. The poor little deer he shot died a slow painful death.”

By now, Bambi’s poignant testimony caused even the most hardened pro-gun rights legislator to choke up in sorrow about how the innocent deer had met her fate.

Also testifying before the committee was a representative from the National Rifle Association who, while sympathetic to what Smokey and Bambi had been through, objected to Bambi’s contention that JFK was horrified by what he did to the deer.

Quoting from what he claimed was the true historical record, the representative said JFK shot the deer and “put it right on the fender of the car so he could go back and kill another one.”

He did, concede, that JFK did not display the deer’s head as a trophy in what was then called the White House “Fish Room,” putting there instead a large, taxidermied sailfish, which he had caught during his wedding trip to Acapulco.

But Smokey Bear countered that this was only a “fish tale” about JFK. “There’s no real proof that he ever liked killing all of God’s creatures,” he argued.

Smokey concluded his testimony by advocating for a shorter hunting season so that bears like him could enjoy watching the leaves turn in the Fall. But even more than that, Smokey said, “if I may humbly offer a personal note on keeping the woods safe for all nature lovers, remember I’m the one who created the important warning that “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.”

And with that, resisting the urge to tell certain House gun rights proponents to go take a hike, Smokey and Bambi the Deer exited the committee hearing room stage right.

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