Report: All 34, 789 Retired NFL Players To Unretire For One Last Shot At SB Win

Everywhere, USA-Following the announcement of Drew Brees saying he would consider a return to the NFL, reports circulating showed that 34,789 NFL Players, all of whom had previously retired, are coming back just this one time for a shot at a Superbowl ring.

Leading the charge was none other than Brett Farve who set an NFL record for most announcements related to retirement and unretirement at 5. "I think I would be able to retire if I just got that one Superbowl Ring that's been escaping me for 26 years. No, this has nothing to do with the multiple lawsuits against me or my bankruptcy claims", said Farve. "I really think If I get that one ring, everything will be ok again, my wife won't leave me, and my children will love me", said former and now current Steelers QB, Terry Bradshaw. "At the very least I can replace Rudolph". Not all of the announcements were met with Fanfare. "I really think I could kill in this league again, especially with how soft players are these days", said noted Hall Of Famer murderer and running back OJ Simpson. Many of the unretirees noted ageism amongst their new coaching staff and those who had retained their contractual rights. "Just because I'm 55 years old doesn't mean I shouldn't get the chance to start. If Drew Lock can start in this league so can I", said a source who asked to remain anonymous but was absolutely Troy Aikman based on the whining. At press time, Jay Cutler announced he would be unretiring as well, blaming a divorce, and lack of "stuff" to do as his reasoning.