Raiders To Just Sign Parolees So They Can Skip Process Of Waiting For Players To Commit Crimes
Las Vegas, NV-Sick of the process of drafting or signing talented NFL superstars with dubious pasts and then having to wait often seasons at a time before they commit crimes, the Las Vegas Raiders announced they would forego both free agency and the draft in order to just sign criminals off parole. "Why wait years for our players to develop into criminals when we can just sign an already developed criminal?", asked General Manager Mike Mayock. "Forget football, because anything resembling real, clean football isn't what we're known for. I'd rather have 10 criminals who can play football, than 10 football players who can commit a crime. By signing them directly off parole, probation, and release from prison, we can continue our time-honored tradition, and ensure we remain simultaneously the most clueless, and yet the most physically lethal NFL team". At press time, the Ravens announced they would be signing people off the medical ward, as they were sick of having to wait for players to get injured.