Prison Warden/Football Coach Blames Lack Of Success On Too Many White Collar Criminals


Miami, FL-Reeling off a 24-7 loss with rival penitentiary, Head coach, and sometimes Warden of Belle Reve prison, Mike Givens blamed the prison's recent streak of losing the result of limited talent. "Our biggest problem is the talent we have. These are fraudsters, tax evaders, and embezzlers. What we need to succeed are some more violent criminals. Many murders have great grip and would have perfect hands to play wide receivers. Alberto Desalvo, The Boston Strangler, is practically the Calvin Johnson of good ol' fashioned prison football. Domestic abusers tend to be powerful people and would be perfect for the line. Half of them are NFL players already. Rapists like control which is the perfect mindset for a good quarterback. Violent robbers tend to have fast feet and hit quickly and both are perfect attributes for the role of a linebacker. Hell, throw in a drug dealer or two and now you've got a deep option for our team. If our prison wasn't limited by our white-collar class, our potential for wins would be unlimited although our potential for rehabilitation would be capped. But at the end of the day, what's more important? Making widespread systemic change to help criminals repent or..... playing some god damn good football?" concluded the Warden. At press time, some of the names circulating in connection as potential draft picks for Bell Reve included Kellen Winslow, and Clinton Portis.


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