Phrases Coaches Say To Defend Their Team You Can Use To Defend Yourself Against Your Wife


If there's thing NFL coaches are good at it's using non sequiturs to avoid criticism. But why should NFL Coaches have all the fun? Thanks to the Deflatable's very own guide, you too can use NFL coach sequitur to defend the loveless state of your marriage. Here are 8 such sayings you can employ.


1. "Really, it's all Trevor's fault.


This defense is a surefire one used by all the great coaches. Assuming you've established your penis's name is Trevor (women love it when you name your penis) this can help defend a low sex drive, or any trouble experienced having sex.



2. "The standard is the standard."

What better way to let your wife know how miserable life post marriage will be than this quote from the genius of Mike Tomlin explaining how miserable the post Roethlisberger Era is going to be?


3. "Let the process work"

Sometimes In The NFL things take time-there isn't always instant gratification. This is also true in the bedroom. If your wife tells you to hurry up remind her the process is at work, even if its been 30 minutes. Hell, its been 6 years with Matt Nagy and he still claims the process is at work.


4. "We do not care"


What better way to dismiss your wife's concerns over marriage than telling her the god honest truth? You don't care about your marriage and you don't care about sex and frankly, there's nothing sexier than that. Mike Tomlin was more beloved after he said that than before.



5. "If our team doesn't face enough adversity early on in a season, I create it. Nothing builds a team like adversity."

Yes, honey I made sure we fought in the beginning of our marriage, so we would be able to strengthen it through adversity. This trick has worked for all 8 of my marriages.



6. "I'll tolerate you until I can replace you.“

Man this Tomlin Guy is on a roll. He must have a very successful marriage. Nothing works better on the wife then telling her you are only tolerating her until her replacement. Spoiler alert from at least 2 of my marriages-it doesn't work






7. "When you get wet, it usually means something good."

Honestly, this is too good for us to say anything. I have no idea what the context of Belichick saying this is but I'm fascinated.


8. "There are two things every man In America thinks he can do: Work a grill, and coach football."

Let your wife know your one of the elite, because you can't do either.



9. "I don't Twitter, I don't MyFace, I don't Yearbook.

The past is the past so stop showing me what your boyfriend from high school looks like now.


10. "I’m not going to, so quit asking."

Every great marriage is built not on communication and compromise but opposition. Next time your dumb bitch of a wife asks you to take the garbage out, walk the dog, cook a meal once in a while.... etc, just use this Nick Saban quote, to silence and shut her down.







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