North Korea's Kim Jong-Un Starts New Super Golf League To Combat Saudi Arabian LIV Tour
By Eric Green
North Korea-Not to be outdone by Saudi Arabia’s backing of a new golf league where Phil Mickelson, Dustin Johnson, Sergio Garcia and other stars of the game earn extraordinarily rich paydays, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has started an even more lucrative super golf circuit to attract those top international pro golfers to his country.
Kim, who says he himself plays to a good three or four under par and never makes a bogey on his country’s immaculate golf course in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), announced that pros who enter his golf tournaments will make no less than $100 million just for showing up.
Whoever wins his first event, called the “Kim Jong-un Dear Beloved Respected Leader Tournament," will take home $1 billion. Second place earns $500 million, third $250 million, and so on down the line.
Kim says he may enter the competition too since he’s such a great golfer, and anyone who disputes that will be shot by firing squad on the first fairway in front of a gallery of thousands of Kim’s loyal admirers.
The new league, called the “Kim Il-sung Great Leader Invitational Series” in honor of Kim’s late father and former North Korean head of state, will be sliced down even further from the Saudis’ 54-hole round of golf.
Kim’s events consist of only one round, 18 holes in all, which contrasts rather dramatically from tournaments run by the U.S. Professional Golfers’ Association’s four rounds of 72 holes. The North Korean leader said that will provide much more time for the golfers to be escorted around North Korea to visit monuments and shrines to Kim “erected spontaneously and voluntarily” by the country’s patriotic citizens to honor their “Dear Leader.”
Security at Kim’s tournaments will be provided by armed soldiers driving North Korean battle tanks around the golf course to ensure no “enemies of the state” somehow sneak on to the course and have the audacity to object to the country’s sterling human rights record and allegedly wasting huge sums of money paying golf pros instead of using it to feed what outside agitators call the country’s starving masses. Anyone caught protesting will be clubbed to death by pitching wedges and four and five irons in front of Kim’s devoted followers on the second hole. Kim Jong-un’s personal brand of putters will provide the finishing touches.
Following the tournament, pro golfers will feast on a sumptuous meal of North Korean succulent braised pig feet, prepared all day in the kitchens by Kim’s own chef. His personal food tasters will make sure the drinks and dinner fare haven’t been poisoned. After the meal, the State Symphony Orchestra of the DPRK will serenade the pros while they recover from their stressful day on the links by soaking their aching muscles in Kim’s luxurious private baths, followed by a full body massage.
Former President Donald Trump, who as everyone knows is a fantastic golfer and would never ever cheat by moving his ball to better “lies” and pretending his shot never flies into the trees, has played a few rounds himself with Kim, where they “fell in love” with each other. Trump has also been invited to compete in the Kim Jong-un event. Unknown to the general public, it can now be revealed that Trump made a secret visit to North Korea while president to play a round of golf with Kim on the Kim Jong-un Special Beautiful Pyongyang Golf Complex.
However, that round of golf actually led to a temporary rift in their great relationship in that Trump claimed to have shot 64 that day, 8 under par, beating Kim, by four shots. Kim, however, disputed that “dirty lie” saying he actually beat the “dotard” by five shots. Kim’s advisers wisely agreed, for their own selfish desire to live another day, that their dear leader showed Trump what championship golf was all about.
The dispute led to Kim threatening to nuke Los Angeles unless Trump backed off his claim that he won. But the two leaders have patched up their differences. Trump invited Kim to play on his Trump National Golf Course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and Kim reciprocated with his offer for Trump to play in his tournament. Trump has reportedly decided to take a few days off from his stressful “Stop the Steal” campaign about the 2020 presidential election and accept the offer since Kim has generously suspended his threats to fire a volley of missiles to wipe out Honolulu now that Trump has privately admitted to Kim that he cheated on the 9th hole by kicking his ball out of a sand trap and actually made a double bogey six on that hole instead of a birdie three.
Asked by North Korea’s state-run media how North Korea will profit from the golf tournament, Kim said that golf is a sport that brings people together from all over the world. Once pro golfers come to North Korea and see how happy and content his citizens are living in a free and open paradise, nobody will accuse him ever again of being a vicious dictator who throws innocent people in jail just for the sport of it.
“That’s what my new tournament is all about,” said Kim, “to use golf to give citizens of my country even more joy, if that’s possible."
"Before long," Kim added, "we might even end up producing the next super-duper Phil Mickelson. Speaking of which, Comrade Phil, after you’re done playing for the Saudis, come to my heavenly North Korea where you’ll make even more money than Saudi Arabia could ever pay you. For sure, Comrade Phil, we’ll show you a good time.”