Las Vegas To Be Outfitted With Sign Saying "Athletes Keep Away"


Las Vegas, NV-Seeking to somehow deter Athletes from wasting money, time, and life in the shittiest city on earth, Las Vegas announced it would be erecting a sign following yet another player's arrest. The sign, which stands 5 feet tall succinctly says "Athletes Stay Out", and warns those who violate such offenses to be fined up to 50,000 and even multi-game suspensions. "For reasons unknown, not having to do with our drug-addicted, prostitution ridden, gambling, alcoholic full city, players continue to commit crimes here. It's clear the only way to prevent players from committing crimes is to ban them completely from entering the city, outside of the stadium, of course, where they make us inordinate amounts of money", said Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman, who was midway through having sex with a prostitute during the press conference. Mark Davis chimed in and gave his thoughts as well. "When I signed a 500 gazillion dollar deal to move to Las Vegas never did I realize I would be bringing young immature rich famous athletes to a city that preys on that exact group." At press time OJ Simpson offered himself as a mentor for teaching young athletes how to stay out of legal trouble for the Raiders.


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