Brian Kelly Promises More Wins, More Championships, and More Dead Kids As Head Coach Of LSU

Baton Rogue, LA-Brian Kelly set expectations high with his introductory press conference as the head coach of LSU. "It's simple. I don't care about winning now. I care about winning later. I want to have the chance to build a child-murdering dynasty- and frankly, the best place to do that is at LSU where playoffs are often and deep, and hydraulic lifts and high winds are limitless. LSU also boasts impressive academic cheating, hopefully, the kind that can fall under the radar, unlike our 2012/13 season. I'd say as coach of LSU we could be looking at 5 national championships in my tenure alone. And even up to 20 dead kids. I look forward to having the opportunity to train many young recruits, some of whom are looking for guidance and possess NFL potential, while others possess the incredible ability to stand on top of a hydraulic lifts in 60 MPH wind as well.. We'd go to the playoffs every year guaranteed, and I guarantee at least 1 lawsuit a year for the yearly sacrificial murder. I'm proud to have signed a contract that includes 1.2 million dollars, a jet, and of course enough hydraulic lifts to last a lifetime. At press time, Notre Dame's players, who were unaware that Kelly would be departing said they only wished they'd had the opportunity to have him climb a hydraulic lift before he left.