Bill Belichick Trades Firstborn Child For First-Round Draft Pick


Foxborough, MA. Hoping to trade up for some first-round weapons For budding star Mac Jones, Patriots GM, and Head Coach, Bill Belichick, announced he would be trading his firstborn child for the Panther's first-round draft pick. Belichick plans to use the pick to retool his offense, while Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule plans on using the child to retool his family and possibly his marriage. "We've always wanted kids", said Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule. "Unfortunately my penis is too small to actually impregnate a woman. This trade helps fulfill a key role in my family that will continue to keep us competitive for years to come." Belichick weighed in as well. "I was getting sick of having responsibilities outside of football anyways", said Belichick. "Besides if my wife gets lonely, there's always the dog. If that doesn't work we can have the rookie visit and pretend to be our kid like we did with Brady for the past 19 years. The thing about a firstborn child is you know the potential. You know the highs and lows. But a first-round draft pick can be anything!" Carolina Panthers Owner Dave Tepper seemed skeptical of the trade. "If this turns out like the rest of Rhules promises this kid would be better off aborted." Upon learning of this strategy, the LA Rams traded Sean Mcvay's entire family to get back their previously lost first-round draft picks.

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